Spinning


“Honestly, I want love. That is the truth inside.” I once heard the female proclamation. It came with a foreign accent. What happened to a woman over time? The truth inside?

About that mate. The soulmate that those women magazine stories were about. The “soulmate.” What most impressed you about him/her? What was he/she after? What did she/he see in me? What did I really have to offer him/her?

In the way of plagiarism, with full disclosure, I was reading some stranger’s blog. I cannot immediately find the blog again, to give a proper attribution. The piece left the wafting scent, as if I had gotten on an elevator where a young woman had left. I had copied and pasted what she wrote, in her own e e cummings style, to interpret what was between the lines. And here is that translation. My translation of the temporal gap between the sexes.

“I have come here to love. It is now the time. The time to release myself. To release myself from all the hurt and anger, the pain and sorrow. It is time to commence life. Because I have a need to love and be loved.

“I wonder why I desire. For him to know about me. I wonder why I desire for him to have pity. I wonder why I desire his pity, for him to feel sorry for me. And in that way, help me. It is a bit sickening to me. For this desire is not me. For it is not me truly to desire so crazily. It is just a thought. It is okay that I am just releasing a thought. The thought may be a feeling of insecurity. It is me stripping away delusions. They say it stems from low esteem.”

This girl concludes that her poem is acknowledgment of desire which stems from low self esteem. “Because in the end all that is necessary is connection. Because you cannot make anyone feel anything, you cannot make anyone do anything. Connection is not about giving or taking. Connection is about everything. Connection is about extending. Every soul makes a decision for itself. The decision is to extend, to connect. That is the choice. That is the purpose.”

Love and that strange mixture of enmity and esteem. Exposed to the secrets within, he did not understand true expression? When all that she asked was, “Why don’t you do it first? And I will follow.”

This connection. She was asking for his connection to her? Low esteem that was once named humility. Call me Stingo but her poetic voice sounds a lot like Merle Streep as Sophie, in Sophie’s Choice, with a Polish accent.

The relationship? “This relationship. Why can’t I be a leader? Why must it be like this? Why can’t I be a leader and a follower equally?”

About the extension needed in a connection: “When you extend nothing can be taken away. If hearts connect, then your being is heading in the right way. Negative emotions are also not devastation. You are wrong (how you do it) but you need not feel like a complete failure because of that. Accept your short comings. Not the whole world will hate you because of that.”

“You know imperfect you are, so there is a problem when you cannot be perfect in every way? This all comes back to humanity’s purpose. And everyone out there.”

Humanity’s purpose. Humility? Recognizing humility? Now called low esteem.

And then her lover speaks. Or the object of her desires.

“You don’t get to have love. So stop whining like a bitch.”

“I am not whining. I just don’t feel well. That is the reality. It might not be real in the ultimate sense. But I feel this way and I don’t feel I can quite make it.”

Despite that this is a lie, in some way, she writes. The relationship? When hypocrisy is a charge leveled when someone fails to live up to the virtuous standards being expounded. When she settles for less?

“I know I will be okay.”

“It may be true that I will never need love, sexual expression, happiness, and everything else that is part of the healthy development for a human being. I guess that ultimately I am not asking for anything. For in truth, I have everything. It is only that my perception of everything is a bit messed up. Spinning. That spinning feeling which comes from the emotions felt.”

“They may go someday. The spinning. The emotions. And maybe one day one feeling, only love in me. Love. I desire for that to be love. I desire that feeling called love.”

Connection. “Would be love.”
(from http://trpimir.blogspot.com/2009/10/stripping-away-delusions.html)

Call me Stingo. For overhearing all of this. And providing the translation.

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